Beer N' Porn: BEST SUPER BOWL PREVIEW EVER!

Well, there I was in the fourth quarter, my New York Giants dominating the cross-town Jets 24-10, hopefully on the way to a third Super Bowl Ring. And I had this thought..."Hey, I like football. I should write a Super Bowl preview!"

Which is funny, because then Drew messages me and says, "Hey, Dobbs, you like football. You should write a Super Bowl preview!"

So I've taken it as a sign from the Creator that I am to write a Super Bowl Preview for the throngs of BnP fans just waiting patiently for our take on the greatest football game of the season. It's kinda like Moses, but without most of the theatrics (or Charlton Heston playing me in the film adaptation).

This is the thirty-ninth Super Bowl, and it looks to be a very good matchup, between the New England Patriots (a.k.a. The Bride), and the Philadelphia Eagles (ever the Bridesmaids).

Now, I must let the reading audience know that I HATE THIS MATCHUP. Why? Because the Patriots are evil, and their owner is a cock gobbling piece of shit, and the Eagles are division rivals, and therefore always suck. There, now that that's out in the open, let me offer my preview opinions.

The Eagles are gonna be in an unfamiliar place in this matchup: as the underdogs. The class of the NFC for the last several years, Philly's finally earned their place in the sun, and the right to represent their conference in the Super Bowl. The fact, however, that this Patriots team has won two Super Bowls in the previous three years means that the Eagles are going to be dealing with a team that knows how to win big games and has proven it over and over again (unlike the perennial runner-ups from the City of Brotherly Love).

That notwithstanding, the Eagles have put together a solid core of players, and off-season acquisitions like Jeremiah Trotter and Terrell Owens have been part of the key to the Eagles finally making it to the big kahuna.

Let's take a look at some of the matchups:

QB: McNabb (PHI) vs. Brady (NE) - Easily two of the best five QBs in the league. The only advantage is that Brady has two rings on his fingers, and they won't weigh down his throwing arm a bit. ADVANTAGE: NE

PHI Offensive Line vs. NE Defensive Line - The DL of the Patriots is probably less heralded than their solid linebackers or secondary unit, but they're still a key part of the Pats' great defense. The Eagles have just as strong of an OL as the New England DL, so McNabb should have good pass protection. ADVANTAGE: PHI

PHI Backfield vs. NE Linebackers - The stars of the New England D are the linebackers, and the reason the NE run defense is so strong. The Eagles' Jake Westbrook will have a difficult time getting a solid day on the run because of it. ADVANTAGE: NE

PHI Receivers vs. NE Secondary - If the Eagles have any chance of exploding and having a field day, it'll be in their receivers. New England's backs are good, but the Eagles receivers, mainly Terrell Owens and Todd Pinkston, are better. ADVANTAGE: PHI

NE Offensive Line vs. PHI Defensive Line - This is pretty much a tossup. On the one hand, the Patriots OL is so good at keeping the pocket open for Brady to pass that it makes an old guy's prostate look like a fishing net. Yet, DEs Jevon Kearse and Hugh Douglas are two of the best at their position, and will be trying to harass Brady all day. ADVANTAGE: Tie

NE Backfield vs. PHI Linebackers - The backfield, led by halfback Corey Dillon, for the Patriots is gonna be their key to winning the game. More than likely, the linebackers will concentrate more on making the passing game difficult for Tom Brady, and it definitely leaves it open for Dillon to grind out 100 yards or more. ADVANTAGE: NE

NE Receivers vs. PHI Secondary - The Patriot passing game will have their work cut out for them when facing the Philadelphia secondary (several of whom are Pro Bowlers). The Philly pass defense is strong, and DBs Brian Dawkins and Lito Sheppard are gonna be in the receivers' faces all game. ADVANTAGE: PHI

Special Teams: A wash. Both Philly's Westbrook and NE's Branch are gonna have great return yardage at the end of the day, and the two kickers (Vinatieri of the Pats and Akers of the Eagles) are practically automatic, even when from 50+. ADVANTAGE: Tie

Overall assessment: The key to this game is going to be the passing game. Both run defenses are good enough that the corresponding running backs probably won't make more than a dent in them, so this game will be won by whoever can get to the air early and often. I expect a low-scoring, defensively focused game, and it's entirely possible all scoring will be done by a kicker's feet and not from the QB's hand.

FEARLESS PREDICTION: Philadelphia strikes first and holds off a late Patriots surge. The defenses contain the scoring, and in the end, Philadelphia will take the victory 17-13. Sorry New England, but it's time for a new dynasty to take over.