Beat it, kids!

So. Masturbation. What can I say? All the myths have pretty much been debunked and, at this stage in the game, the vast majority of us are experts. Most guys [well over 90%] beat their meat on a regular basis and 2/3 of the women folk diddle their middles frequently. It happens all over the world cutting across boundaries of sex, race, sexuality, age, and social class. It's as common as our need for love. We are a crank yankering, slot diddling species. Praise [insert deity here]! Somehow, though, we've managed to remain fairly uptight on the subject. Pulling one's pud [or the feminine equivilant] has even been deemed evil by some groups! How'd that happen?

It's easy to cast blame on religion. Hell that's certainly part of it. Clergy have made it their business to set up shop in our bedrooms whether we're with that special someone or just , quite lieterally, enjoying ourselves. But there's more to the story than that. Masturbation has never really been fashionable. Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders got the boot after her December 1994 statement that “masturbation is part of human sexuality and a part of something that perhaps should be taught”. In the 18th and 19th centuries, masturbation was blamed for 60% of what ailed us including; instanity, vision and hearing problems, epilepsy, and mental retardation. Fuck that!

Thank God some sane folk weren't willing to take that nonsense laying down. The Kinsey report [Jan 1948] not only debunked this madness but discovered that masturbation was actually beneficial! And in 1966, Masters and Johnson [tee hee] proved that pretty much everyone does it. Joycelyn Elders was right on the money. Jerking off is a part of who we all are. Hurrah for Science!

So we know it won't make you blind or furry and we're pretty sure that just about everyone has done it at least once if not regularly. Howver, we're in tacit agreement that talking about it is naughty, at least. The deal seems to be "Go on and do it but for God's sake don't talk about it!" But why not? People have been masturbating for centuries. It's a part of our collective heritage.

Tefnut and Shu were created from a load blown, swallowed, and spat out by Atum - the first being ever to exist. The Sumerrians, who invented the first written western language, make reference to the Mesopotamian god Enki beating his meat until he filled the Tigris with "water". Ancient Greek women [and men] had dildos. It's a part of our nature. Fuck, even Bonobo Chimps [with whom we share 98.6% of our genes] beat off!

So it's natural, people, and it actually serves a damn good purpose. Masturbation helps you develop a healthy, responsible sex life - and without hurting anyone [most of the time]. Folk masturbate whether they have sexual partners or not. There's just something special about self-service. Total satisfation can't be attained in the bedroom with a partner. We hold back a part of ourselves even during this most intimate of occasions. Masturbation allows us to be more honest and open about what turns our crank than any other sexual act. We don't worry about performance because we know the score when it comes to our own bodies. That special alone time helps us get in touch with what turns us on in bed which makes us more able to articulate what we like [and don't like] to our partner.

So what have we learned then? Masturbation, far from being evil, is actually pretty good for us in in more ways than one. Who cares if your dead relatives are watching or if kittens are dropping off left and right? You'll be glad you spent all that time [spanking that monkey or fingering that bearded clam] once you reach sexual dynamo status. So how 'bout we stop bashing masturbation and hop onboard the pleasure train? Whip out whatever piece you've got and share a bit of yourself with yourself. Who knows? The sex life you save may be your own.


Anonymous Sinatra Zane said...

God bless you and damn you all together, Dexter. As usualyt ist shows you have too much of your own time on your hands, or in this case too much of your own cock in your hands, for which I say Bravo!!! Not only did you entertain me with your witty banter on such a great topic like Jerking off, but you somehow managed to stir me all up and compelled to whip out my bigh thick throbbing dripping cock and strokwe away! You go boy!!

8:09 PM  
Blogger Mr. Everyday said...

Well we all know Dex is spending an eternity in the fiery pits of Hell, but what about you?

Check out the online poll at the Beer N' Porn Message Boards.


3:06 PM  
Blogger Elijah B said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

7:37 PM  
Blogger Elijah B said...

I think 2004 goes on record as my most masterbationless year since that wonderful 1st summer in 1992. Drew, your post has inspired me to perhaps create an opposing accomplishiments in '05. THanks!!

7:39 PM  

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