Hello Again! And other worthless greetings

Alright, let’s get a few things straight before I get started. That alright with you, wiggletits?

Good.

First off, as you might have noticed, Beer N’ Porn has experienced a renaissance of sorts. Content is actually fresh! Our tireless army of enslaved gorillas is working overtime; smashing their primitive hands against the keys of thousands of typewriters in a Darwinian struggle to produce quality pieces of novel copy for your perusal. The most productive primates are rewarded with snack foods and Jolt Cola™, while those who lag behind are terminated with extreme prejudice, and used as “filler” for Fenway Franks - everyone’s favorite! In this way, we hope to develop by the end of the year (through selective breeding) a race of super-simians capable of creating propaganda of such suggestive power that it BENDS THE WILL OF THE KNOWN WORLD TOWARDS OUR OWN PERVERTED GOALS!!!!!

So what does this mean for you? Nothing really, unless you are accused of harboring thoughts that are counterproductive to our revolutionary ideals, in which case you will become feed for the overlord Orangutans. Otherwise, bully for you! Welcome to the second coming of Beer N’ Porn!

To celebrate, why don’t you take a swing on over to the Beer N’ Porn message boards? That’s right, the Beer N’ Porn message boards. See, there’s these message boards, and they’re frequented by the authors of Beer N’ Porn. Which is why they are called the Beer N’ Porn message boards. If you post there, at the Beer N’ Porn message boards, maybe authors of Beer N’ Porn will answer your queries! In summation, visit the Beer N’ Porn message boards, sign up for an account, and post on our boards! Because it’s the right thing to do.

And I’m lonely.

Hold on…

[cough] [coVISIT THE BEER N PORN MESSAGE BOARDS FUCKERSugh]

Alright, now that we’ve taken care of that little issue…

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Since when did this lovely little corner of cyberspace become the Deter Otis Green Lovefest? Oh my goodness, I guess I didn’t get enough of that Black Stallion from his very own blog. It’s not enough to have his every vile utterance available to my impressionable psyche at the click of a hyperlink – I must extol his virtues in every possible corner of the internet! I cannot go a single moment without the warm touch of his Devil’s tongue licking the impressionable lobes of my cerebral cortex.

[retch]

I know Mr. Green personally, and let me tell you, he’s the reason they added the “Red-Severe” level on the Homeland Security Advisory System ™ [Presented by Halliburton™]. You think nukes in North Korea are a scary proposition? How would you feel having a thermonuclear device strapped to your gooch, motherfucker? One with a hair trigger and no sense of taste and decorum? That’s right, that shit would blow the FUCK outta Grandma Ethel’s tea party without even PASSING THE SPLENDA. That’s what Dexter Otis Green is like in person. He’s like vaporized bits of nutsack hitting your beloved matriarch in the late afternoon sun. You best keep your Gods-damned distance.

In summation, I like Drew. He’s my “Black Friend,” which gets White People like me a $250 deduction on our Income Tax. Here’s to you, Dex, my Line 38 deduction!

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On to OFFICIAL BEER N PORN BUSINESS.

I am constantly dismayed at the amount of de-evolution our society (meaning the United States) has gone through in the past ten years. Sometimes it’s hard to maintain a sense of perspective, what with the Salem Witch Hunt being perpetuated by the Federal Government against potty-mouths on our airwaves and television screens. The symptoms, of course, are innocuous things – like the persecution of Howard Stern, or the $1,000,000ions of dollars in fines levied against broadcasters for errant nipplage, or the censoring of pretty ladies dancing in front of Fictitious Congressional Panels during the National Celebration of Pain, Violence and Alcoholism that occurs on the First Sunday of February (Praise Jeebus, say thankya). The disease, of course, is much more serious – one born of a misplaced national ideal, and supported by an administration that realizes the importance of keeping the minds of the proles occupied with tawdry sex and unimportant gossip rather than the incompetence of the ruling party. But who am I to judge? The will of the many will outweigh the will of the few, forever and ever, amen. If you wish to live your life ensconced in a paper bag of lies and deceit, so be it.

However, think of this before you wrap yourself in your IKEA comforter and fall asleep tonight. We all remember “Seinfeld,” right? One of the top sitcoms of all time! Jerry, George, Kramer and Elaine are ingrained in the American psyche just as the Ikes, Dicks and Archies of old. Their trials and tribulations entertained us through the years, and kept our minds off our petty everyday problems.

I’ve become a sucker for the everyday ritual of “Seinfeld” sitcoms, half because my life has no meaning after becoming part of the mindless 9 to 5 workforce, but half because Senfield makes me laugh, and I enjoy the ability to fill in the gaps in my Seinfeld knowledge with the seemingly endless parade of syndicated episodes available between 6 and 8 PM, EST. A few days prior, I happened to stumble upon the Mother of All Seinfeld Episodes, and I celebrated, for there is no blessing from the Gods greater than the appearance of “The Contest.”

You know what I’m talking about. Are you master of your domain??? That’s what I thought. Hands down, this is the best Seinfeld episode ever created. And, I would wager, easily in the top 5 Situational Comedy Episodes ever aired on broadcast television EVER. It’s simple brilliance, like stumbling upon the Relativistic Theory of Gravity after years of living in a cave. You just can’t turn your eyes away from the everlasting glory.

You’ve seen it, I know you have. If you haven’t, then you’re simply too young to be on the internet. Shield your eyes and call for momma, you little brat.

Otherwise, I pose this simple question:

Can you, in all honestly, imagine a TV show devoted to the topic of IMPLICIT MASTURBATION being aired on the airwaves of Modern America?

Hmmn?

At one point during the episode, our Real American Hero Cosmo Kramer leaves Jerry’s Apartment for the sole purpose of RUBBING ONE OUT after viewing a NAKED FEMALE for only a few minutes.

Catch that?

On national TV, a respected sitcom character FLOGGED HIS DOLPHIN after a brief glance at a NUDE CARRIER OF TWO X CHROMOSOMES because he had NO CONTROL OVER HIS SEXUAL URGES.

The kicker?

This episode was nominated for several Emmies after it aired.

Think it would even make it to broadcast in Modern America?

I doubt it.

Whatever happened to the America I used to know?

-Mr. Carson