3.03.2005

Real Heroes of Mankind #1: Al Bundy

Greetings, BnP enthusiasts. Welcome to the first of (hopefully) many posts detailing the lives and heroic accomplishments of the < insert epic-sounding brass theme > Real Heroes of Mankind! In the true spirit of chauvinism, these men exemplify the greatest things about being a guy. They're man's men, the epitome of guy culture, what every little boy (whether age 8 or 80) wants to be when they grow up.

Today's edition: The hero of the Chicago City Football Championship...scoring 4 touchdowns in one game! His name...Al Bundy.

His qualifications for inclusion on the list of Real Heroes of Mankind are many.

High school sports hero? Check.
Loves sports, cars, beer and girlie mags? Check.
Don't take no shit from his wife, his kids, his neighbors or anyone else? Check.

He is the Everyman. While his life may be spent stuck in a dead end job working for the same wages he did after high school, with a wife he hates, kids he doesn't want, and an annoying bitch-queen of a neighbor whose entire existence seems to be a foil for Al Bundy's happiness, he knows what he needs to be content: to come home from work, crack open a beer, put on the game, and go to sleep. At a deep level, that's what every working man wants. And since just about every man is a working man, it logically follows that that's what every man wants. To come home, have a beer, watch the game (or read a copy of Big 'Uns) and go to sleep. Maybe take a weekly excursion to the nudie bar, or host a meeting of the National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood (NO MA'AM).

So, in honor of this < dramatic music > Real Hero of Mankind, we should all follow the example of today's hero. When you come home from work, or whatever it is you do with your day, sit on your couch, click on the TV, and put your hand down your pants. It's a worthy salute to an extraordinary man.

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