4.07.2005

What Would Jesus Drink? and other unlikely bestsellers

What Would Jesus Drink? and other unlikely bestsellers

In my quest to expand my academic horizons, I stumbled upon a number of interesting and thoroughly underrated books in a number of different genres [fiction, fairy tales, nursery rhymes, non-fiction, poetry, jokes/riddles, drawing books, How-to books, mystery, pornography, autobiographies, biographies... etc. Christian Lit., however, yielded the highest number of over looked gems and I felt it my duty as an American interested in education myself and my woefully unprepared peers to lay some of these sweet book titles on you. I've also taken the liberty of rating each book on my own scale of badassery – herein labeled "The Blasph-O-Meter". The scores range from 1 [or holier than thou] to 10 [Prince of Darkness Pick]

Here they are in no particular order:

Me and Baby Jesus
Charlene Simmons

A Colorado woman chronicles a 100 day peyote binge climaxing in a torrid sexual tryst between her and the lowly baby Jesus. Whips, paddles, chains, leather, and the occasional 3-way set against the backdrop of a marginally discernible Rocky Mountain sky make this psychedelic 1996 WTF Award winner a "must read".
7 out of 10 on the Blasph-O-Meter

How Mary Magdalene Got Her Groove Back
Emma Wilson-Harley

Mary is a highly successful, forty-something harlot in present day San Francisco who is persuaded by her colorful New York girlfriend Sharetha Watson [totally platonic] to take a well deserved, first-class vacation to Jamaica. As she soaks in the beauty of the island, she encounters a strapping, young islander, Jesus Christ. His pursuits for her turn into a hot and steamy romance that forces young Magdalene to take personal inventory of her life and try to find a balance between her desire for salvation, companionship, and sanctified schlong.
6 out of 10 on the Blasph-O-Meter

Fun with Sodomy!
Eddie Baker, Sr.

We do it every day, but we never learn all there is to know about it, nor do we ever finish mining all the pleasure that can be had with it [get it?]. Sodomy is fraught with fun, gang [bang]! How deep is too deep? Is it cool to tongue another dude's bung? What exactly is a "Backdoor Beauty"? How to I broach the subject of “DP” with my woefully inexperienced lover? These questions and many more are answered in Fun With Sodomy!
4 out of 10 on the Blasph-O-Meter

Whore Mongering for Dummies
Madam Fabulous

41 year old Fabulous, a 27 year veteran of the streets, sets the record straight... and how! Hailed as "The new Pope of Prostitution" Fab holds nothing back in this never before seen look into the world's oldest profession. Tricks, Johns, Pimps, and Scar Management are laid out in a language that we all can understand. Now, you can learn and love tricking as a player, bitch, or pimp! From crack drills and kegel exercises, to helpful tips on safety and injuries, this book is packed with information for the whore in all of us.
5 out of 10 on the Blasph-O-Meter

"Thou Shalt Not..." and other biblical typos
Dr. Sherman Payne

In this witty send-up of biblical misprints, renowned theologian and Dead Sea Scroll scholar Dr.Sherman Payne draws on a lifelong passion for Christianity and a love of errata. While most of the errata here are merely hilarious, in some instances the errors are downright injurious. Hall points out grievously flawed passages that deceive readers because they seem to be correct ["Thou shalt not kill", indeed! – lol]. Writers, readers, editors, publishers—anyone who works with words—will appreciate "Thou Shalt Not..." and other Biblical Typos. Buy it, you bitches!
2 out of 10 on the Blasph-O-Meter

What Would Jesus Drink?
Xavier DeBeers

Get wasted with The Kings of Kings as he pilots you through this book of sacred cocktails. Whether you're a cocktail veteran, or just starting out, What Would Jesus Drink? is an absolute must-have companion to any heathen bar or depressing rectory. It's got loads of recipes for favorites like the dreaded "Old Rugged Cross" and "Blood of Christ", and even a few new ones ( like the ever potent "Resurrection Sunday"), not to mention that nifty bookmark that's attached so that you don't lose your place while mixing – lest ye be damned to an eternity in Hell! This is one sacred text you won't be able to put down!
8 out of 10 on the Blasph-O-Meter

Honorable Mentions:

Horton Witnesses A Bloody Crucification
S. H. Benson
[Fiction]
4 out of 10 on the Blasph-O-Meter

Stoned!: A Guide to Marijuana & Adultery
George Bush
[How-To/Chemistry]
6 out of 10 on the Blasph-O-Meter

Pope-ology: 40 days and nights with the Vatican's only Rockstar
Armand Baski
[Biography/Sci-Fi]
1 out of 10 on the Blasph-O-Meter

The Tao of Judas
H. Tyler Hughes
[Philosophy]
11 out of 10 on the Blasph-O-Meter

Blasphemy, Blasphe-YOU!
Dexter Otis Green
[Self-Help]
Satan-tastic! on the Blasph-O-Meter

These clever and oft undervalued literally masterpieces can be picked up at your local bookstore or purchased online at www.amazon.com – word

[forward all hate mail to DexterAML@gmail.com]

1 Comments:

Blogger leila said...

I'm going to read some of these.

10:06 AM  

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